Your honor, I would like to first point out that my client was not only bamboozled, but he was thoroughly aroused by the events that took place that night. As such, he cannot be held responsible for the charges being brought against him. Throughout history, those aroused have clearly shown their primal instincts to take over and blind people, like my client, into doing things that make absolutely no sense.
If I may, judge, I'd like to present what has been entered on the docket as Exhibit A.
My client ain't even have no damn arms! How could he have possibly wielded this device? This is clearly speculative, conjecutarive, and notruative. Now, the prosecution would also have this court believe that my client subdued the victim by way of what I'd like to introduce as Exhibit J.
Your honor, such blasphemy is grounds for a mistrial, and I don't know how this court is even humoring these outrageous allegations.
I will submit, though, that there is some mild thread of truth to these claims. My client was spotted by eyewitnesses, and one managed this less than incriminating photograph.
Last time I checked, your honor, there was nothing against the law about standing around waiting to kill somebody. As for the surveillance cameras outside of my client's place of business, I find this to be an encroachment on his civil rights, and I ask that the prosecution be shot in the face for trespassing, see Exhibit F.
The mockery doesn't stop there, judge. The prosecution went to such lengths as to fabricate evidence! A little bird told me that he saw some near-naked sketches of my client's business partner, and my little bird is trained to use a camera.
Given such a blatant disregard for all that we hold true, I ask that this trial be moved out of this obviously biased venue, and to a new locale. I hired some whippersnappers to find just such a place, and they found a place I'm sure this entire court can and will agree on.
This trial is over, your honor. So, get up off me.